Fear of Failure

For this blog post, I wanted to share my views and feelings on one of the toughest decisions of my life, dropping out of college. So it's a personal blog post, and purely my own opinions. Enjoy :)

When I was 17, my health deteriorated to the point where I could no longer attend 6th form college, leading to me having to eventually make the decision to drop out. This is no easy decision; abandoning your education goes against all your instincts, but when your body is unable to cope, there really is no other choice.

The decision to drop out of college was not an easy one for me, and I know there are plenty of fellow M.E sufferers who have faced the same dilemma of putting their health first. Throughout my school life I was a fairly high achiever, I did well in most of my subjects and managed to get good grades. My GCSE grades will always be slightly tinged with disappointment for me because, before I fell ill, I was predicted As and A*s. This was never going to be achieveable after missing so much schooling through years 10 and 11, not to mention the fact I was still battling my symptoms every day.


I've always said my doing well at school was a product of my fear of failure; to me, I just couldn't face the idea of letting myself and other people down. I had to try my best and aim for good grades. But pulling out of college and becoming something of a "school drop out" has all the connotations of failure, one of my biggest fears.


The way we are brought up these days is to be told that qualifications are everything; that without all our GCSEs we can not possibly get anywhere in life. Schools and parents are constantly drilling it in to us from such a young age that we don't want to become bin men or work in a fast food outlet. The pressure to avoid this seemingly dreadful life is huge. I took a lot of comfort in the fact that secondary schools these days care mostly about their league tables, as opposed to personal achievements of their students. Sure, there are certain teachers who will take an interest in their students, and who care about what happens once they move on in to the big wide world, but at the end of the day if a school wants to look good, it needs pupils to get high grades.


Dropping out of school to focus on my health wasn't a failure. It was the greatest decision I ever made, because my body could relax without fear of stress induced relapses, and I had more time and energy to put in to getting myself better. But there is one thing I regret, and that's not realising that school isn't everything earlier on in my life. Even before I got ill, I fear I wasted some of the best years of my life stressing over school work instead of having fun. Don't get me wrong, you can still do well at school and have fun, and I'm in no way implying that everyone should doss around and skip classes, because I'm not. I'm saying that the stress associated with the fear of failing was just wasted energy.


I've learnt from this period in my life, and even when I go on to work (when I'm well enough) I will make sure that I enjoy myself, and not work myself in to a hole. I'm an ambitious person, but that doesn't mean I need to sacrifice any kind of happiness and enjoyment I can get from work.


For me, one quote that helps me realise that however my health may be, there are more important things was this quote-


It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default. - J. K. Rowling.


I don't want to be one of the people who hasn't lived; I want to learn from every experience. After all, getting ill has turned out to be more educational than any school course.

My thing worth sharing, in keeping with my blog, is the full J. K. Rowling quote I used above, which can be found here. :) Thank you for reading!

Until next time,

Sarah x

JKR speaks! Pottermore announcement squee times.

It's hard to believe it was only a week ago that Potter fans across the globe were set on an online hunt for letters, the result of which spelt out the mysterious "Pottermore". And now J. K. Rowling has revealed the website, which will provide much awaited e-book copies of her novels, alongside extra information about our favourite characters which she has been "hoarding" as well as an interactive experience which will see users have the chance to become sorted and follow Harry's journey from their own perspective.

My opinion? It sounds amazing! For so long I've wanted extra information to be released, and with hints at an encylopaedia in the past it has always been a possibility. Am I happy at the way in which it will be released? Perfectly! Pottermore promises an interactive reading experience, allowing readers to track their progress and gather extra information and earn House points along the way. Sounds pretty exciting to me! My one concern is the sorting element, in that I doubt you'll find a Potter fan who hasn't already partaken in some sort of sorting quiz, and formed an alliegance to a particular House. For me, that house is Hufflepuff, where the "just and loyal" and "unafraid of toil" find themselves at home. But with news that the sorting questions are coming from JKR's own head, how can we argue with the results?! It's the closest to a Hogwarts sorting we're ever going to get. Plus, with extra information about Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin for people sorted in to those particular houses, it should make for a wonderful experience!

The website launches in October (a nice birthday present for me!) but fans are getting the chance at an early preview on 31st July, something which I'll be keeping my eye on. One thing is for sure, Potter and the Potter fandom won't be over come 15th July, something which we can all be eternally grateful for <3


My "thing worth sharing" is coming in quote form via Leaky's twitter updates -

A lot of the #pottermore team is Hufflepuff, which JKR said is what "you want in a team - they're workers!"

Until next time,

Sarah x

Last Ever Trailer

Just putting that title sounds so wrong :( the last ever Harry Potter trailer has been released, and boy have they gone out in style! If you don't tear up a little bit at this then you have no heart ;) just kidding, maybe.

Stayed up last night to watch it, spent the hour after it was released obsessively re-watching and trying not to bawl ;) so many emotional scenes in there, but I think the opening sums it up really -

Every moment's he's lived

Has led to this

And the trailer itself is my "thing worth sharing", don't need to say much more :)

Pottermore

http://www.pottermore.com

What is it?! What does it mean?!

http://twitter.com/pottermore

http://www.youtube.com/JKRowlingAnnounces

Last night fansites starting providing co-ordinates, which when entered in to this website - http://www.secretstreetview.com revealed clues in the form of individual letters hidden within the map. When all ten letters were revealed, we were left with either the words MORE POTTER or, the already trademarked by Warner Brothers, POTTERMORE.

The last letter was revealed through the Pottermore twitter account, and a website was made available, albeing providing nothing more than the word Pottermore and JKR's signature.

Today, two owls appeared on the site, which when clicked on linked to a youtube channel which provided a countdown.

So what is it that could be happening on the 23rd June? Rumours based on the trademark application include a social network, or a large multi-player game of some sort, personally I'm hoping for some sort of online Encyclopaedia.

For me this marks something quite exciting, in that I missed all the clues and hints left on JKR's website in the lead up to the last book. So these clues are a chance for the fandom to get excited again, and for new fans to enjoy the build up to an announcement for the first time!

So, watch this space for whatever the announcement!

Obvious "thing worth sharing" - http://www.pottermore.com

The Journey

It is another one of those times in the Harry Potter fandom where there is so much film news coming out, you literally don't know where to start. TV spots emerging, 8 posters released and magazine specials left right and centre, there's so much to talk (squee) about! In an effort to make my blog a bit more personal (inspired by MEAW) I wanted to focus on the magazine article part of that first sentence.

Deathly Hallows has been the first HP film I've really been able to throw myself in to the pre-release hype for. When I first found the online wealth of Potter websites, Half-Blood Prince was being filmed so technically that was my first taste of the excitement and anticipation. I remember waiting and waiting for the HBP trailer, the rumours and the disappointment when they failed to follow through, and the buzz all over the internet when the trailers were released. Of course the HBP build up was also tainted with disappointment when it was announced that the film would be released later that planned. A lot later. This was also the time that the big announcement about Deathly Hallows news broke; the book would be adapted in to two films.

So yes, I had a taste of the excitement, but it was to be halted prematurely when my health took a turn for the worse. How would this affect my ability to follow the film news I hear you say? Well, for a start I was unable to use my laptop, which pretty much cut me off from that world. My laptop screen was too bright, now that light sensitivity had returned to my life with a vengance, and extreme weakness in my wrists meant typing was out. Over the next few months and years I would hear snatches on the radio or the television which was something. Of course during this time, I was also unable to read, which meant I was separated from my rekindled love affair with the Potter books, and so the series drifted from my mind after several attempts at reading had caused me nothing but misery due to my symptoms making the task impossible.

Fast forward to 2010, with improved health and my ability to use my laptop to connect with the world restored then I could once again throw myself in to the media frenzy that surrounded the Potter series. The scanning of news sites resumed, the awaiting of trailers, posters, pictures, anything that would be released in the build up to the second to last film in the series.

Over the year clips and trailers would be released, meaning either a late night to stay up to watch the online release (thanks to U.S time zones!) or else a very early morning rush to the laptop once I was out of my zombie M.E coma. But 2010 was also a year I was leaving the house more, after months and years of being housebound, and leaving the house meant shopping! So it was for the first time that going to the newsagents became a real possibility, and when news of Deathly Hallows features being released in magazines broke, I could make it to the shops and have the satisfying feeling of seeing the latest issue of Empire/Total Film sat on the shelf, being able to pick it up and pore over the new pictures and interviews. As the release of the film came closer, more issues appeared in different magazines and newspapers offered special giveaways or dedicated pull-out sections containing more interviews than you could shake a stick at! And my ability to be involved in the build up to the film had been given back to me, so I grabbed it with both hands. I missed out on the build up to the final books, so the build up to the films had replaced that gap. I was revelling in the excitement and buzz around the films, and enjoying every moment.

Not only that, but over the course of last year I can relate so many of those Potter stories to where I was in my life health wise at that time. My first trip to the local shops in my brother's car without my wheelchair to buy a copy of Empire magazine, nipping in to WHSmith on my way home from a hospital appointment and spotting an issue of SFX magazine with Daniel Radcliffe right there on the cover. To most people grabbing a magazine is something you do without even a second thought, picking up something to read on the bus or train, or a long car journey, a regular treat to sit on the coffee table. Most are to be discarded, thrown on to that week's recycling pile. But could I throw away anything Potter related? No I could not! So here is my collection, which not only shows my geeky, fangirl-ness but charts a journey of improving health and holds so many memories upon those pages.

On 15th July the pre-film buzz will officially be over, when the final film is release and the series reaches its end. But that doesn't mean that it will be forgotten, for many the days which are spent hitting refresh on web pages til the latest snippet of news appears before them, will be the best days of their life, no I'm not kidding! And tonight marks the journey coming full circle, with the showing of an exclusive clip at tonight's MTV Movie Awards. This time last year, the fandom received it's first glimpse at Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. So tonight, with a little over a month until the release of the final film, we get that same feeling of excitement for one of the last times. Enjoy it! I certainly will.

And a slightly late edition to the post as my "thing worth sharing" wasn't released when I posted, the MTV Movie Awards clip can be found at this link!

Success

So M.E Awareness Week has come to an end, and so comes the time to reflect up on the achievements! This year, to spread awareness I have done the following things -

Spoken to the paper
Posted a number of blogs
Shared links on Facebook and Twitter
Made and awareness video
Displayed my awareness ribbon on my online haunts

For easy reference, here are all the links to things I have posted and shared this year, all in one place!

York Press Article
My Awareness Video
Daisy's amazing, much watched, much tweeted awareness video
First Awareness Blog Post
The M.E Years - 2005
The M.E Years - 2006
M.E Awareness Day - Invisible Illness Questionnaire
Association of Young People with M.E
Action for M.E
M.E Association
Chlay Charity Single

I'll admit I hoped to do more MEAW blogging, but my health made that impossible, however keep and eye out for the rest of "The M.E Years" which will probably crop up at some point as I hate leaving anything unfinished.

I've received some great feedback from some of the things I've done this year, including people who have had their opinions changed or had never heard of M.E before, which means a great deal to me. If I've educated just one person then I'm happy. I want to thank everybody who has shared my video, or any of the links I've posted, my friends, both M.E friends and non-sufferers for all their support. I've been completely overwhelmed.

When I started this blog, raising awareness of M.E was a huge goal of mine, but writing about my illness is not something that comes easily to me. I don't like being self-pitying, and wallowing about being ill, it's not my style. But in order for people to understand the illness, I have to open myself up and share my suffering, which isn't easy. I will definitely blog more in the future about M.E as I've had such a great response, so check back for more!

Thank you for all the support, and as things worth sharing go this week see all the above links! Thank you :)

Until next time,

Sarah x

M.E Awareness Day - Invisible Illness Questionnaire

So today is International M.E Awareness Day! People from all over the world are spreading the word about M.E and the devastating affect it has on the lives of its sufferers. One of the biggest battles we face is the face that M.E is an invisible illness - most of the time you can't see what is wrong, there is not lable that plasters itself across your forehead letting the world know you're ill. So we face the battle of lack of understanding because to the rest of the world we look relatively normal. To understand more about invisible illnesses, please read this quiz, thank you <3

 1. The illness I live with is: M.E/CFS – Myalgic Encephalopathy/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

 2. I was diagnosed with it in: May 2006

 3. But I have had symptoms since: September 2005

 4. The biggest adjustment: Going from being a huge top of the class geek to a drop out with 5 GCSEs, losing friends and a social life, having to put my life on hold and give up my passions such as music. Having to use a wheelchair to go out the house.

 5. Most people assume: From looking at me that I’m probably perfectly healthy, even when I’m in my wheelchair I can tell people are confused by the fact my legs move, and I look fine.

 6. The hardest part about mornings are: Not knowing how I will feel, or waking up and feeling horrendous. Waking up and not being able to keep my eyes open, my limbs feeling weighed down. If I haven’t had a good night’s sleep then mornings hit me even harder. When I suffered from nausea I would dread mornings because I struggled to eat at that time of day. When I was on my highest dose of sleep medication, morning would be a complete blur because of the groggyness it caused me, I wouldn't be able to speak for hours.

 7. My Symptoms: Severe exhaustion made worse by any sort of activity, muscle pain and weakness, joint pain, difficulty concentrating and poor memory, noise sensitivity. In the past (and possibly will crop up in the future) I’ve suffered from severe headaches, sore throats, dizziness, nausea.

 8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My laptop and my phone as well as my ipod touch. It’s how I keep in touch with the world, my friends and find fantastic help and support.

 9. The hardest part about nights are: Getting to sleep. I never know if it will take minutes or hours, or whether I’ll wake up in the night possibly multiple times, even if I’ll get any sleep at all.

 10. Tablets a day: One amitiptyline tablet, down from 4 amitriptlyine tablets this time last year though! Painkillers if something hurts. Sometimes vitamins and supplements.

11. Regarding alternative treatments: I haven’t tried any. I’m generally a sceptic when it comes to people who want all your money for no guarantees, but some things work for some people and I’ve seen friends make improvements from alternative treatments, so I wouldn’t rule them out completely.

 12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Neither ;) but a visible illness would be easier, even in my wheelchair when people can see what something’s wrong, they don’t understand why I can move my legs and why I don’t push myself. I want people to give up their seats when my legs can’t hold me up but no-one would even consider it looking at me.

 13. Regarding working and career: Ha! I have no prospects ;) I am lucky to have the GCSEs I have, I had a supportive school and a wonderful home tutor. At the moment I do 2 volunteer jobs for AYME which I love and it’s my first experience of working. I dread the day I have to start looking for work, because I don’t want to live off benefits forever, but I have so little experience. I’ve never had a paid job. Even if I knew what I wanted to do as a long term career, I have such a long way to go.

 14. People would be surprised to know:  I’m actually a happy, positive person! I enjoy life because I’ve learnt how to make the most of what I have, and so the tiniest things mean even more to me. I think back to the days I was completely bedbound and unable to walk, and see how far I’ve come and appreciate all the things I can do now. But that behind that mask, I am suffering every single day.

 15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Losing friends, becoming so isolated and having to give up my education. My health has to come first, which I have accepted, but it was a hard lesson to learn.

 16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Meet new people! I’ve made some fantastic friends over the years who will be friends for life.

 17. The commercials about my illness: There are none. Raising awareness of M.E is down to the charities and sufferers themselves and it’s an uphill battle all the way.

 18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Playing the flute, playing in bands and orchestras. Nowadays I can’t even hold my flute for long and get out of breath after about 10 minutes. I miss going out with friends more often, going on holidays (haven’t been on holiday in 5 years). Being able to go out whenever I like without worrying about the consequences.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: 6^th form. I had to make the decision that I wasn’t going back, which meant abandoning my A level (singular, I only took one subject) and therefore giving up hope of university, for the mean time anyway. I’d always done well at school, and I always figured I’d do well and go on to university, so it was a big shift in my life plans.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Writing, I started a blog this year. Also writing letters, I have lots of lovely pen-pals. I love listening to audio books, which came from being too ill to read.

 21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again: I would go and visit my best friend at university and do normal best friend like things!

 22. My illness has taught me: That the small things matter the most, sitting out in the fresh air, spending time with family etc. And that I am lucky to have every moment, however bad things are it could be so much worse. It’s taught me who my real friends are and given me new friends. I am more positive than ever, and enjoy each day to the fullest because I never know when things will be snatched from under my feet again. On a negative side, it’s taught me that not everyone is understanding, that there are still people out there who are ignorant when it comes to this illness.

 23. Want to know a secret:  I may be ill but I am still an actual person, with a personality and I enjoy life. I am still a 20 year old girl who likes to have fun, even if my fun has to be limited.

 24. But I love it when people: Talk to me! Make the effort to get to know me, ask me about my illness and then say that they’ve learnt something new from talking to me.

 25. My favourite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: “Everything happens for a reason”. I got ill and made new friends, who I would never have known if I hadn’t.

 26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: That there are people that understand and you are most definitely not alone!  The M.E community is one of the best online communities there is, that there is a future for people with M.E. You can make friends and enjoy things. And rest, always rest. Rest, rest, rest! Don’t risk you’re health, put it first and look after yourself.

 27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: That some people really couldn’t care less that you’re ill, and those people aren’t worth keeping in your life. That new friendships can come out of something like this.

 28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: So many nice things! People have sent me cards full of messages when I relapsed, and post when I’m having a tough time. My sister goes out of her way to make me laugh, she looks after her big sister, and she was brilliant when I was bedbound. When things are hard and people pass on well wishes, people I’ve barely even spoken to.

 29. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Happy that you’re willing to spend the time and energy to hopefully learn something about M.E!

 30. Something I want people to take away from this: M.E is an invisible illness, one that has upturned my life and made me have some particularly tough times. That when I say I’m fine, I’m probably not. But that I’m still a person beneath it all who wants to be happy and get on with things the way anyone does. I want people to be understanding, helpful and accepting. Living with this illness already makes my life tough, and every day a battle. I don’t want to have to battle ignorant people as well on top of all that.

Thanks for reading! :)

Sarah x